Laughing can be some of the best kind of medicine. Unless you’ve just had an organ removed or a hernia repaired, then you should probably hold off laughing for a couple of days at least.

Some might find it bizarre how often I make jokes about being an amputee. For instance, I have loads of family and friends who love updates on my daughter, how she is and so on. When I tell them she’s “amazing,” “growing up too fast,” “keeps me on my metaphorical toes” I get the side eye and a facial expression that can only be construed as, “Can I laugh at this or…?”

 My all-time favorite recurring event is when someone approaches me out of the blue and hits me with the, “OHHhhHHHhhh, what have you done?!”

To which I reply with a variety of stories according to my mood that day. Whether it be, I was saving a baby from a bear. I got lost in the desert and had to scavenge my legs for food. I was in a skydiving accident which resulted in me crashing into the ocean only to have a shark attack me (I survived but the instructor as well as, my legs… did not – DUN DUN DUUUNN). I could go on and on about the alligators or a freak accident involving paper and a stubbed toe, or the Boogie Man under my bed. Nonetheless, it’s quite funny seeing other’s reactions and watching them squirm awkwardly.

 

Oh, and can we just talk about leg farts for a tick? I mean aren’t they just the most annoying thing? Especially when you’re fresh out of the gym, looking and feeling good. You see in the distance, a very attractive man walking up. You flip your hair in a cute manner, take a step, and your leg lets out this ferocious fart. Leg toots are prominent in this Texas heat so be prepared, y’all.

Dude, where’s my leg? There is nothing better than coming home after a long day of work, taking your leg off, and then immediately hitting the hay, but one thing. What’s even better is waking up the next morning and looking for your leg for 30 minutes and asking your one-year-old daughter, “Where is Mama’s leg?” a million and one times. Only to find it buried in the load of laundry you’ve been putting off because you hadn’t taken your pants from the previous day off of it completely.