I have made many resolutions over the years in preparation and through new endeavors of which I face for my daughter, Harper. Becoming pregnant, I vowed to never let my disability hold me back from being the mother that I was meant to be, the mother that she deserves. I vowed that she would never grow up in a home that was broken with doubt and unhappiness. That she would grow up with me loving her more than I could ever fathom loving another human being, loving her so much that my chest cannot physically hold it all in.
We often face times when there are people who throw unkind words at us, spewing ignorance over us. I had an evil and spiteful woman pick fun at how I can’t run, how the shoe would fit, but that’s probably “poor phrasing.” There was once a man that reminded me that I chose this life as a single-disabled Mom. That I could have stayed with the father, but “it was my choice to end this” therefore it was “my choice to raise my child alone,” little do they realize that yes indeed it was my choice, a choice I would happily make over and over again. These examples are just a small part of the ignorant comments I receive and while they don’t bother me, per say, they will impact my daughter one day.
Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way delusional. I know that my child will experience ignorance and the cruel and mean comments of the children of people like the ones mentioned above. It’s all part of life’s weird lesson that helps us to understand and how to react to those kinds of comments, which ultimately will make you a better person, as it did for me. Choosing not to react in a negative way and let those same comments take hold of you and your heart, but instead turning all of those ignorant words into light and love for others alike because they need the reassurance just as I do sometimes.
I will never know whether or not Harper will think less of me when she hears those negative comments about her Mom or if she will be embarrassed or think there is something wrong with me. I know that as she grows up my imperfections will be more obvious, and she’ll start to see and understand them more and more. It is definitely unjust and cruel that others could have an effect on her perception of me as her mother, even with me being the best I can be and giving her a beautiful life.
I will always want and work towards protecting Harper’s innocence, but I know that someday, I will have to explain what ignorance is to her and while it angers me it’s something that I have to do and will happily do if that means that she will grow up to be the kind-hearted and amazing person she is destined to be. My physical limitations are real. Harper can run faster than I can, she will grow up to be able to do more, to be more. She can blend smoothly into society without the second glances and “side-show” feelings that I am made to feel. There are certain instances where children will tease me by putting their legs under their bodies and act as if they don’t have any themselves. While this could very well be children who are just curious beings who truly want to understand, it can also be taken the wrong way by my daughter. But I have confidence that if my Harper sees me standing up for myself, she will do the same for herself and there will be no embarrassment. She will see how independent, confident, and how much I love who I am.
I will live in the most extraordinary way and I will set the best example of a woman for my sweet Harper. One day she will be all grown up and my unwavering love for her will shine through her onto others. She will come from a more understanding life and upbringing and with that, she will change the world.