I want to preface this by saying that I’m sorry. I’ve been so unfair with how I have treated you during this life and I feel you need to know that I appreciate you and that I love you. You’ve been the carrier of my soul, protecting it from impact – having barriers put in place as a refuge for my beating heart. I was selfish with blaming you for all of my mistakes, the miles I didn’t finish, and the missed opportunities I was presented with. I was a confused girl when I hurt you, and I am so sorry. It’s been a long and treacherous road that we’ve traveled but we did it, together.
I regret hating you as a young girl, for not going as fast as the others, for not winning that race, for not getting that prize. I regret resenting you as a teen when all I wanted was to fit into those jeans. You know, those crazy expensive ones that all the kids were wearing? The jeans that weren’t even cute, but I needed them, to fit in with the trend. I hate how I punished you for all the times someone said anything about my weight.
“Are you pregnant?” asked my 9th grade English teacher.
It wasn’t your fault. It never was.
And I hate how I tortured you through all the heartache I felt. I hate that even with you trying to calm me by sensing I needed air, that I needed to just breathe, I still blamed you for my actions. The actions that caused me my own heartache.
We were struggling, and you knew that as you held tight and never let me drown in the misery that I sometimes so desperately wanted.
We carried each other through catastrophic events and joyous moments. We held onto each other as we were torn apart. We held onto each other while we gave birth to the most beautiful baby in the world. I promise to hold onto you forever more. I know that you’re tired, I’m tired too. We’ve bled, we’ve cried, we’ve sweat through these years together and I am so proud of you.
I love the way that we are now, and I love the way that we were before. It took all the courage and strength we had to get this far, and I am not looking back now. I want you to know that I’m okay with the way we are looked at and I’m okay with how slow we may walk. I am with you from here on out. I vow to love you and cherish you just as much as I cherish my mind and my heart.
We will prevail – together, as we should.